‘Show me a good crisis manager, and I will show you someone who creates a crisis to manage.’
It’s Saturday morning. I just received a text message from my friend Faith. She forwarded a message from a colleague she calls ‘Hair-on-fire.’ The text she received was sent at 4:45 PM yesterday, Friday, surfacing another crisis. ‘Hair-on-fire’ strikes again! Fortunately, Faith was engaged in another activity, so she didn’t see the text and wasn’t drawn into a last-minute waste of time. As I mentioned in my post last week, this colleague has a habit of creating a commotion late on a Friday afternoon. Just imagine, it‘s the end of the workweek and you’re ready to ease into the weekend. You may have plans for the evening, anticipating some well-deserved fun and relaxation. As you’re making the transition to ‘personal time,’ you’re assaulted with an urgent issue that requires you to revert to ‘working mode.’ Instant psychological whiplash. I call foul! This behavior strikes me as manipulative and narcissistic. It appears that “Hair-on-fire” uses this tactic as a control mechanism to manage her matrix team. From my experience, she probably believes that being a good crisis manager will result in recognition by senior management. Early in my career, I learned something about crisis management. My most important takeaway was: ‘Show me a good crisis manager, and I will show you someone who creates a crisis to manage.’ This topic is of great interest to me.
A thesaurus search of “toxic” reveals synonyms related to poison, something to be avoided. As with any poison, exposure to toxic people should be minimized whenever possible. How do you know you are dealing with a toxic person and how does one cope? Exploring this matter further will help us become more productive and effective. It will help you create a healthy workplace. The starting point is to identify toxic people by their behavior.
ATTRIBUTES OF A TOXIC PERSONALITY
- Takes no responsibility for their actions – puts the blame on others
- Manipulative
- Never apologize
- Judgmental – highly critical, will negate your self-esteem
- Make you defensive
- Will not support you
- Inconsistent
- Narcissistic – Must be the center of attention
- Do not listen
- Negative outlook – never a positive word, project their emotions on you
- Never admit defeat – never wrong
- Will not go out of their way for you
- Present a victim’s mentality – emotional blackmail
- Always have ulterior motives
- They are mean – say things to hurt you
If you label someone as a ‘Drama Queen’ you’re dealing with a toxic personality. They don the victim role to manipulate you into doing things for them. You dread being with them as they drain you of your energy, creating mental exhaustion. These encounters make you feel bad or disappointed by your inability to cope. Toxic people are like vampires sucking the life out of you. The best advice I’ve heard is to be empathetic but don’t necessarily hang with them. Set boundaries. Don’t feed the beast by becoming engaged in their drama.
I find it difficult to understand why anyone would let toxic people into their life. I must be blessed as I cannot think of any truly toxic people that are part of my business or social circle. Sure, there are people I know who may exhibit one or more of these traits from time to time, but I cannot say that I have any toxic entanglements. It may be due to my experience, or maybe it’s my filters. However, there are people close to me who frequently deal with these personalities. Fortunately, I can help friends, family members, and associates work through and detach from these people.
Faith, for example, has no choice but to work with ‘Hair-on-fire,’ as they are members of the same team. Faith must adapt and cope with the situation.
Although it’s not the focus of this article, it must be very difficult if the toxic person happens to be a family member. They might not be able to change but you can do things to minimize the stress they create. Limit your time with them or end the relationship.
It is said that you become the average of the people with whom you most frequently associate. This refers to your behavior, your physical condition, professional success, etc. If you understand that toxic people are made, not born, you know their behavior may be contagious. I am fortunate that I attract people like me. I am generally a positive, and optimistic person by nature. Although I don’t have toxic people in my circle, I do interact with them from time to time. My experience is my shield, my intuition is my internal warning device. Toxic behavior is a big red flag. I find that life is too short to become entangled in their pathology. If you recognize any of these attributes in your behavior it might be wise to seek help to nullify them.
For Further Information:
Dr. Karl Albrecht. He has a short diagnostic you can access online which will help you determine if you were in a toxic relationship.
“Nine things toxic people always do and what to do about it” Coert Engles – IDEAPOD
“Six traits of highly toxic people“ Dr. Samantha Rodman, Talkspace, April 19, 2018
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Jim Weber – Managing Partner, ITB Partners
Jim Weber – Managing Partner, ITB Partners